Guilty admissions

I have to dump my guilt here. I just fed my sweet boy via his g-tube, being careful not to wake him. This is not the first time I've done it and sometimes I feel okay with it. Either because I fed him before he fell asleep and he just didn't eat enough. Or maybe it's his midnight feeding time and he just got to sleep again after 10. My preference, and I'm sure the best thing for his brain connection, is to wait until he wakes up hungry. Especially since he's been eating so well both on the breast (although my milk supply is not what it was after my trip) and out of the bottle. Problem is every night last week, except for one, he's been up, "ready to party", for 3 hours between around 2-5. Thank goodness for the lovely girl who is helping us out at nights occasionally or I'd be more of a basket case than I am ;-) Of course the one night that he didn't do his 3 hours was one of the nights she was working. It's costing us a small fortune to have help at night but I guess I have to look at just what price is my sanity.

So I pump and blog while watching my sweetness on the monitor, snoozing away. Now I just hope he sleeps and doesn't wake up for hours anyway! I know his brain needs sleep and the crazy thing is that even when he's been staying up, he's not been making up for it during the day. Not good for a rapidly growing brain, right?

And how's he doing? So many people ask and it's a difficult question to answer. I hate to jinx us but we've now been out of the hospital for over a week, which is a milestone in a way. The sad thing is that every morning I awake just hoping he's going to look at me. Not just once or twice but the majority of the day. As I've mentioned before, he was tracking and interacting fabulously before his shunt surgery. Since then, he's been off and on.

Just before I left for my brother's wedding, even in the hospital, and even after just having being poked multiple times and slightly sedated, he was tracking pretty well. When I returned, he barely even glanced at even his favorite octopus toy, let alone my face. Mike had mentioned he was tracking pretty well over the time I was gone but for some reason he goes in and out of it. And it's enough to drive me crazy! So every day this past week it seemed somewhat better, although there weren't any major leaps forward. Then Thursday came and he was doing pretty well. My sister-in-law has been here for the week and she went to the doctor with us. He was watching her beautiful smile and bright eyes almost like a typical healthy baby. Then he got an immunization shot. Not that that was the only reason but the next morning, he was gone again. He'll look and smile and talk and just about the time you get excited by it, you move your head and he's still looking straight forward with the same look on his face. I can always tell but many other's will be fooled.

So yesterday (Sunday) was a little bit better and hopefully today will be better yet. We just have to keep him out of the hospital and healthy and maybe each day there will be progress.

Another thing I must admit is that I don't like my sweet girl so much these days. She's driving me nuts with all of her whining! It seems that everything coming out of her mouth is in the form of a, drawn out, high pitched, very unbecoming whine! She's such a beautiful, intelligent, loving and curious sweet thing but lately I swear another little evil girl has taken control of her and I want mine back! She's devious, manipulative, demanding and whiny all day long! I just don't know what to do anymore besides completely ignore her. I've tried it all: praise the good, ignore the bad, reward with stickers for good behavior, point out her sad choices don't get her what she wants and give consequences all day long, explain how much I love her and how I want my sweet Lila back and even blocking out time just for her, often times including fun outings, a scoot around the block and even picnics at beautiful parks.

This week was especially fun as Super Daddy (aka Mike) bought tickets to a couple of summer events including art and music at the Bowl and the Circus. It feels like the more she gets, either of my time or of fun outings, the more she wants. I know, maybe there should be no fun with behavior like this. But we're trying to squelch this from every angle.

I've got a big group of friends with children the same age and I know many are working through this same torturous maze but it doesn't make it any easier. Especially with Mr. Ianzee (a name she coined) and his needs and my lack of sleep. Again, every day I wake up and hope for the shift in her to happen. Obviously, my wish has not been granted.

So off to bed I go and what a treat this has been. I used to find it exhausting getting up to pump a few times a night. It's funny how everything is relative.