Ian caught my eye the moment I walked through the doors and his lip began to quiver. He was looking for Mommy to feed him and I couldn't. He hasn't been able to eat since Wednesday morning's peaches and cereal, which he proceeded to throw up soon after he finished. Because of how food would react with the hi-flow oxygen he's on and, the fact that they need to prepare to possibly intubate him at any time, he can have nothing in his tummy besides meds. It is absolutely torturous to not be able to feed your baby, especially when he looks at you with those eyes that are so confused, frustrated, sad.
The only thing I can give him is a little green sponge with an occasional dip of what they call a "sweetie", sugar water, and a tiny bit of regular water. I got in trouble today for giving too much of both. I finished the .5 oz sweetie and about 1.5 oz of water. The nurse told me to just act as if I was dipping it and just give it back to him to suck on.
He also was just so frustrated with everything. He's got a board strapped to his right foot to keep his IV in. He's got leads on his chest, pulse-ox on his left food and 15 liters of hi-flow oxygen blasting up his nose. I also have to hold a hose in his face 24/7.
He needs continuous Albuterol and a mask was not going to happen. I had tried it Wednesday and knew it was a no-go. Then yesterday while Mike was here he had an episode of de-satting and the attending physician said they needed to put the mask on him to make sure he was getting enough Albuterol. They tried and, as you would expect, he fought it. Next step was what I had feared the day before, they tried to tie him down! He was so mad he had a seizure. (This freaked me out when I heard about it but Mike really feels it was just a little guy being pushed past his breaking point) Thank goodness that made them change their tune about it. So, we hold.
Even with the sleep last night, I was so exhausted. There's also a few womanly things going on with me throw my hormones off. And I have now officially weaned Ian. He was reluctant to nurse the other day, probably because he was not feeling well. Now, since he's unable to eat, it's just time I guess.
So needless to say upon my arrival I was not the strong Mommy I usually am. After my "sweetie" overload, I just had to hold him. We both needed it. So the nurse helped with all the cables and hoses and when I finally had him, he fussed and fussed until he fell asleep in my arms, which was so sweet. While he slept, his chest was depressing so far that I could see his sternum and every rib! His breaths were also irregular. Something just wasn't right. We also had to turn up his percent of oxygen as well. All I could think of was the next option is to intubate. After a half hour, he awoke and fussed again. I put him back in the crib and then he began to cry. And so did I. I just couldn't hold it back. I left the room and lost it in the hallway. After a chat with my Mom and a few deep breaths, I came back in singing. We Mommy's need to power on.
I had brought in his iPod (which we had purchased for him when he was in the NICU so we could leave recordings of us singing and reading while we weren't there) and a little speaker and we played our favorite music. Then we brought out all the new toys and books from home I had filled my bags with this morning. As Mike said tonight, his crib looks like a toy store! I have a pink hospital bin filled up with fun things. So we played, we sang, we read. And, I tricked him into thinking I was still giving him the "whole half an ounce" of sweetie time and time again.
By the end of the day, we were both in much better moods. He was satting 99 and his heart rate had dropped to a more comfortable level. And he was my sweet playful boy again! So lovely to be infected with his bright smile. Everyone who experiences it is! Mike came by to drop some things we needed off and caught him in between a cat nap and night time sleep. He was so excited to see his Daddy and I'm sure he loves it when we are both here. He just beemed and we reflected it right back to him.
Let's hope for a good night continuing on to a good weekend. If it is a good one, he might even be able to eat a little tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers and my toes!
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