My head is still spinning.

I was excited to finally update with a post about the New Year and all of our hopes and aspirations for it. Happy to be done with 2010 and all of it's trying time. But alas, we've begun this year not dissimilar to what we endured from last. I'm writing this from my husband's desk in our home. I've spent the last few days and nights again in the hospital with Ian, our little trooper :-(

We had a pretty good spell between what he recovered from after his visit just before Thanksgiving, to what he picked up just before Christmas. Ian's been belly giggling, steady in control of his big noggin, exploring everything with his mouth, finishing pushing in his first four teeth and began to really enjoy lots of time eating in his highchair and jumping in his jumparoo, not to mention his absolutely favorite past time, close connections with his favorite girl, Lila Rae.

Just before Christmas, specifically the day before we were supposed to fly to my parents with the four of us to celebrate the holiday with my 25 family members, Ian's slight wheeze which had begun a couple days before began to get a tad bit worse. I brought him into Dr. Woo's office and she felt he looked good enough to go and gave me a prescription for antibiotics, just in case it got worse.

Overall, it didn't until our last day when it became more pronounced. We were gone just 4 nights and I took him directly in the morning after our return. Dr. W was out but another doc in the office saw him. She said the wheeze was better than not because at least he was moving air. We'd been giving Albuterol treatments every 4 hours since we'd gone and she said the next step, since it was getting worse, was steroids. We began that afternoon and continued for 5 days. But as we did, his sickness slowly became worse.

Sunday night, Jan 2, we called the Pulmonologist, and together, decided we'd spare him another ER visit and just bring him in to see her in the morning. During that visit it was decided that we'd admit him. We went straight to the floor, bypassing the ER for once, as they surprisingly had a room. We were really doing it to make certain all was ok but truly expecting to be out the next day. He seemed in good spirits but at night, similar to his issues at home, he was worse. He awoke quite a few times and had an episode of stress breathing at 3am that scared me and brought a few docs in. The next day the same, not so bad by daylight but at night fall, getting worse again. By Tuesday afternoon we had the results of the nasal wash, he tested positive for RSV or Respiratory Synctial Virus. (This is something we've been getting him monthly shots for since October, that cost the insurance co (at least for the bulk of it), over $3k per shot)

So Tuesday night it was tough but nothing like Monday night but then came Wednesday morning. He seemed lethargic and just not himself. A couple of the staff chocked it up to being sleep deprived from the last two nights but, I knew that wasn't it. He was also working too hard to breathe. I spoke to the new nurse on and asked to speak to our Pulmonologist after the resident/intern/whomever on at the moment checked in and didn't satisfy my concern. Oddly enough, both of his Pulmonologists happened to be rounding and she brought them in. Lucky timing because what happened after that is now almost a surreal blurry nightmare.

To be honest, I can't even recall all the details, it happened so fast but, at the same time, it seemed to go on forever. He was working hard to breathe and started to have a bit of a fit, just seeming anxious. They were calling respitory thereapy to come down to do another rush treatment and ordering new meds, calling on the phone for this person and that med and before I knew it, they were calling the rapid response team (you know that call you hear throughout the hospital that gives you the chills and makes you thankful it's not someone you love)

He just started screaming as all of these people surrounded him and started to work. He wasn't moving air through his lungs and they were doing everything they could to get it going again. An IV was placed quickly and efficiently by the attending PICU doctor. (one was attempted on Monday afternoon but I refused them another try after 4 (but really more like 6) pokes) There was Epinepheral treatment, a major shot of steriods in his leg, and so much going on I couldn't handle it. All I could do was step aside and try to control my emotions. After they had him somewhat stable and there was a space near his head, with permission, I popped my head in and tried to comfort him while staying clear of what needed to be done. They assured me I was in the right place. I just closed my eyes, stroked his head and kept my face next to his ear singing Frere Jaques over and over again, to be honest it could have been 50 times for all I know.

At one point the PICU attending ordered him to be intubated, just before they got him on the other side. The respiratory therapist suggested they see how he does with the 15 liters hi-flow oxygen and a continuous stream of Albuterol. The PICU doc looked him over again and agreed but he needed to be moved to the PICU.

Everyone had to catch their breath. I had to clear my hear from the nightmare fog. It took Ian until just before we rolled over to the PICU to really get to a more calmed down state and stop crying. This experience taught me, at a minimum two things. Thank goodness we're working with the best doctors and instinct is never to be squelched.

So tonight Mike brought Lila up to switch places with me. My parents so graciously offered to have her up for a visit while we worked out how Ian was doing. My Mother-in-law is always here to help us with her as well. But they are leading me to believe it could be a long one this time. We felt it best she has somewhere stable to be while Mike continues to try to keep up with his work and I stick it out with Ian. (One of my sweet nieces (Lila's cousin) is also visiting my parents as well so it'll be a fun time for them to bond.

I'm not going to get on my pessimistic train and believe this is any indicator of the year ahead. To me, I'm seeing it as Ian just finishing off the junk from last year so he can concentrate on having a healthy and happy 2011.