Ups and downs... waiting for more info.

Obviously, yesterday was a big day for us and Ian. Though it was a bit stressful for him as well. After he woke up a bit from the meds they had given him before pulling the tube out he seemed quite upset. It seemed most of the time I was there, while holding him and afterwards, he was worked up a bit.

Most of the time I felt I was pretty mellow. I didn't even let myself cry when they put him in my arms. I'm so in fear of getting any germs on him that I didn't want my tears to hit his little face. I also wanted the experience to be positive. I didn't want to end up breaking down, having my tears of joy breaking into tears of exhaustion or something else. Overall, it was such a lovely experience although he never really completely settled down. I had to shhh him every few minutes to get him to stop crying. Although when he wasn't crying, he seemed quite content.

After I held him and pumped, Mike & I headed down for a bite to eat and to let him rest. When we returned, we asked his nurse about the MRI results again. She said she'd have the fellow on speak to us. While we were waiting, the woman in charge of child play services came by and spoke to us. She was trying to help me understand how to talk with Lila about the situation and how she might be reacting to it.

Then the fellow came over. She tried to explain a little about the results, although she said she would ask the Neurologist to come up and speak to us. Unfortunately, the doctor she wanted us to speak to wouldn't be available until Friday afternoon so we set an appointment for then. Dr. Devaskar came by after the fellow left to try to explain things a bit to us again. She did the best she could but she also said the neurologist would help us understand it all and what the long term effects might be.

To be honest, it's all a blur to me. There is a malformation on the sides of his brain, I believe was the term she used. She explained it a bit more but I just couldn't hear after that term was thrown out. Just when we think he's making progress, which of course he is (his PPN has been cured which is huge) we get more bad news.

After she left, Mike headed out to get back to work and I had to quickly pump again before heading home to relieve the babysitter and spend some time with Lila. Of course I held it together fine while I was at his bedside. I chatted with him and held his feet while I pumped, trying to console him while he cried. Maybe he was feeling things bubble up inside of me. I was trying to mask it but I'm sure he sensed my energy being off.

The whole thing is, again, just overwhelming. It was all I could do to hold it together on the way down to the car. On the drive home, crazy thoughts kept coming into my mind. What does this all mean for him. I tried to get pregnant for over a year and then we eventually did IUI. To do that procedure required me to give myself shots, which I said I'd never do. I kept thinking maybe we shouldn't have pushed it, especially at our ages. It's just not fair to poor little Ian or to Lila. What does the future hold for both of them? I guess you can really never know what the future holds but sometimes this whole thing just gets to me. My mind starts going in all different directions.

Now, we'll have wait to find out more until Friday afternoon. Until then, I just need to drop it and pretend I didn't hear a thing about the MRI. And I wish I wouldn't have.