I just can't take/make calls right now.

I wanted to address the fact that I never pick up my phone, unless it's Mike or someone caring for Lila. Please know that if you're calling, it's absolutely nothing personal. I most often don't even hear or feel it ringing. In the NICU, of course I have it on vibrate due the babies' sensitivities. When I leave, it's usually in my purse and I forget to change it to ring.

But really, I just don't have it in me right now to talk to anyone. When I do, I tend to break down, either a little or a lot, probably depending on how much sleep I've gotten and how Ian's doing that day. Or if I've seen a healthy baby being pushed down the street in a stroller, or carried in the elevator, or in the store. I know it's good, every once in a while, to release and I definitely get my share of releasing in at random moments. But, I need to control when to a certain extent. It's especially important that I don't when I'm around Ian. I just can't do that to him. He needs a strong Mommy, not a blubbering one. It's hard enough for him to go through this. I really feel that he feeds of my energy and it needs to remain positive and optimistic when I'm near him.

Please know that when I hear the messages of support, or read the emails and text messages, I feel it and so appreciate it. Thank you all for being there for Ian and our family. Even if it's just a quick thought now and then. All the positive energy, in any form, is exactly what he needs right now.