Why?

I keep thinking what I've been going through is the most challenging of times and then realizing it has only just begun. It all started with the beginning of the pregnancy. I was so nauseous for months. Then came the heartburn. Finally, I started feeling somewhat normal and then came the contractions.

To be honest, the last few weeks has been nothing compared to the last 24 hours. Things just keep getting worse and Mike & I just wonder why? The whole birth process and leading up to it was a bit stressful. I spent the last week going in and out of very intense contractions that would go from very close together to mellowing out a bit. Obviously, he seemed ready to come out. But was he ready? Should we have asked for more Terbutaline? Or would he have gotten worse in there?

There's probably no way of knowing the answer to these questions. We thought he'd come out and there would be a few issues we'd have to check out. The NICU team was ready for him when Dr. Tabsh finally pulled him out. I thought, well that's terrific that they are here just in case and to give him a once over to make sure nothing super time critical needs to be taken care of. Little did we know how imperative that it was that they were there.

He didn't cry when he came out. Sounds like he wasn't really breathing great on his own either. They went straight to suction and we finally heard a whimper or two. Then the whisked him off to the NICU. While in recovery, I was still somewhat optimistic (which is so unlike me, more like Mike) I so wanted to see him and touch him but I would wait for a couple of hours until I was stable and able to move my legs again.

Mike and my Mom & Dad went in and out of the NICU giving me reports. He seemed to be doing ok and he was really cute according to my Mom. I was anxious to see him. When I finally did, it was a bit daunting. He was hooked up to a bunch of things and his little heart looked like it was working way too hard. But they said he was doing ok.

Upon waking Mike went straight over to check on him. He was still hooked up to a bunch of things but they said he was in stable condition, which made us feel better about things. He noticed his little heart still working so hard and inquired. They said it had something to do with a ventricle in his heart that was making it hard for his lungs to work properly. They said they had him on a bunch of antibiotics just to cover any infection he might have. But all in all, he was stable, they said.

He went on that and headed back to the room. Mike was starving and eventually headed off to grab some food since I still couldn't eat (TMI but you have to pass gas or a BM before you can eat after a major surgery like I had). Then, Dr. Davaskar came in with Sarah (I believe she's the fellow next in charge after him in the NICU) They said to call Mike to have him come back to hear what they had to say.

When he returned, he sat down and they began. I told them I wanted bad news first, because I always like to end on a good note, but they never got to that part. I can't really explain what they said in detail but in general, his blood pressure was really low and they were having trouble getting it to move up. They said there was a med that might help it but they only had it up at the Westwood NICU so they wanted to transfer him. I was so sad to know he would leave where I was but of course, we said whatever he needed to make the necessary arrangements to get to him.

I believe this is the first time I heard that he was "really sick" and they were trying to help him. This of course threw us for another loop. They nurse helped clean me up, I took the few precious steps into the rest room and then onto the wheelchair and headed straight over to see him again before he was transferred.

I'm such a wimp when it comes to these things. When we arrived, they were doing something to him and I just couldn't look. When they finished, the rolled me over and we started talking to him and putting our hands on him. We told him what was going to happen and that he would be well taken care of. Within about 15 min, the team came to prep him for transfer. I asked to go back to the room since, again, I'm not good watching this stuff. Mike took me back and went back to be with him while they finished up. Mike couldn't ride with him but could meet them over there, which he did.

They started the med they had mentioned and got him into his new spot. Mike said the whole team was very impressive and they all seemed to handle the knowledge transfer quite smoothly. He said the doctor in Westwood seemed very good as well.

I requested to be transferred but later that evening, Dr. T came by to check on me and informed me if they did transfer me, I'd end up in the hallway because they were so busy over there. At least he tried.

Mike went from the hospital to head down to see his Dad in his new place. Turns out during all of this, luckily his Dad has been making progress and now has been moved from the hospital to a long-term care facility. Mike actually likes it much better than the place he was before heading to the hospital. It seems the doctor taking care of Bob is quite on his side. Dr. Metry has been attentive and persistent with him. When we weren't sure whether to give up or not, he called us to say he had a good conversation and a hand shake with Bob that day. From then, there's been daily progress. Thank goodness!

After leaving his Dad, he stopped by the house to pick up some clothes, then off to get a bite and back to me. We discussed things when he returned. Very tough emotional conversations. Then I made it worse by calling to check on Ian. The nurse, and then Sarah's counterpart there, went over as much as they could with me. Since I had not heard from then first hand, they tried to be as thorough as possible. Quite disturbing. Overall, they again referred to him as "very sick" and they were trying to help him all they could. They said if we don't hear from them at night, it's a good sign. I'm about to call to check in now.

I'll reiterate, the last few weeks, which I felt was tough, was nothing compared to this. I'm asking for strength and positive energy from wherever it may come. If you're reading this post, please take a minute to send us whatever you've got. Our little boy needs it all.